The purpose of this blog is to keep a diary of a journey to a place of greater peace within and peace with those around me. But, more than that, I guess the big question that is really plaguing me is am I worthy? I hope to travel to that place of greater ‘orthiness through the pages of this blog.

I accept that I am loved by God. I  hold onto my faith and spiritual disciplines strongly, and refuse to let them or God go. I’ve heard all of the arguments about being sent to hell by God and I do not believe a single word of them. I trust completely in a loving God who accepts me and accepts all. I’ve also tried  to  see if I can fit into the mainstream gay culture  but always felt out of place. I don’t judge it but I know that it is not  the place for me.

As for organised religion, I’ve  had my fingers burnt and lost  money in the process after experimenting with charismatic pentecostalism.  It is an interesting way of expressing faith and  I trust that those who understand what the charismatic movement is all about will continue to find reward in their endeavour to reach toward God. For me,  my episode with pentecostalism helped me rediscover the European traditions of christianity in which I was brought up. So,  I’ve returned  to an older set of religious traditions that I loved as a child and that  provide me with a sense of connection to Christians throughout the centuries and to God. I think I will stay on this  path.

Now, I guess the challenge is that bigotry runs rampant in both religion and politics, everywhere. In France where I live at the moment, even the least authoritative politicians in terms of morality have the gall to condemn homosexuality, often with a venomous anger that is difficult to understand. In the religious traditions that I hold dear, there is not a little touch of hypocrisy. Priests  condemn gays and yet have lovers of their own. Divorced clerics claim to have a passion for the sanctity of marriage.

There is no need to talk about the media, the use of language in such derogatory  ways , the muted exclusion that one feels  at work, university  and any sort of social space.  Well, this is not to say that there has not  been progress. Policies on sexuality are much more open than they have been at any point in history  in most of Western Europe. In other parts of the world,  the discussion is being held – which is a marker of progrss in itself.

The issue is, there are always enough cues, verbal or non verbal, that  say -a t least to me – that I am not worthy.  Not worthy to be a part of civilised, proper society – that I am something of a second class citizen. My own mind   seems to be an even greater enemy – challenging me if I truly deserve anything good, after all I am gay?  Sure, I think God loves all, but do I deserve that love?   Then there are the subliminal social messages that I construe in so many places  that reinforce the sense I am not worthy of being accepted into the company of ‘normal’ human society.  The most difficult for me to work through is the sense of unworthiness to have access to God, who   the religious organisations  that I love and respect have held captive and for themselves.  While I am fortunate to  be part of a community of believers that accepts me and my partner,   it is very difficult to miss the messages  from the broader christian world that those who monopolize God have judged  us as unworthy of the love of God and his full acceptance as we are. We  must change   before we can be deserving.

How does one retain a sense of self worth when  exclusion is  often omnipresent as a  reality? How  does one move from a place of being  insecure and afraid to truly express their true selves to being secure and confident to negotiate with issues of spirituality and religion? How does one build the bridge between their sexuality to their religious/spiritual convictions? And more importantly, how does one – how do I – feel  worthy enough to persevere in my spiritual path?

I hope to walk a path to worthiness, to spiritual security, to living a life that marries my  christian-rooted beliefs to my sexuality, to carve out my own path and to fully embrace the love that I know that God has for me and for all.  I’ll take notes and keep a record of this journey, if only to understand my own emotions. I will try to do this at least once a week. And frequently post  materials  to at least encourage myself to remain spiritually grounded and to keep driving to a  place of greater peace. If anyone reads the blog or not, I guess that is out of my control and perfectly okay too. May God bless the journey and grant me a safe arrival.