Holy Week Reflection 1: First Steps to Reconciliation

Good Friday and Easter are in sight, and once again I am reminded of where true reconciliation will come from. The secret to reconciling my faith and sexuality is probably going to be a silent whisper in the quiet, recesses of mÚ spirit and mind as I quietly choose to be reconciled to God, through Christ. What on earth does that mean? I guess to me, it means that I am going to find the peace that I need by acknowledging that the ultimate act of reconciliation of us to God to was completed through Christ. The work of reconciliation is done. I need to become more conscious of this, and of what exactly it means on a daily basis.

I must confess that the idea of being in communication with God, for me, has felt too distant to relate to. I’ve felt as though there is very little that God would see in me, and there is the littleinconvenience of God being invisible – at what point does this all become madness? I’ve often chosen to simply give up on cultivating a relationship with God because it felt fruitless, crazy and the results and benefits of knowing God seemed to take too long to materialise, if at all. I remained a cranky bitch regardless of persistent prayers to God to help me change. I lie, cheat, steal – the whole lot of sins, and I do not glow with the peace and joy of the Lord that I envy in others (I even break the thou shalt not covet commandment). In short, I’ve felt disqualified to have any business with God. I’ve also wanted, vey often, for God to be something like a magic genie. I ask him for three wishes at a time and Poof! I expect for there to be a result. Seeing as it does not always work this way, I’ve often walked away from prayer experiences with my immature ego bruised, vowing to never play with God again.

So, I guess I am saying that as the week begins and I begin the work of becoming prepared to open myself to reconciliation with God, through Christ perhaps I need to take the first step of becoming open. I need to let go of disappointments, past, present and to come. I also need to grow up a little (not too much) and realise that seeing is not a prerequisite for someone to exist, and that not having what I want is not always a bad thing. I need to change my thinking and enter into a place of surrender, to ask to be reconciled to God, to keep cultivating my relationship to him. As I become reconciled to God I believe that the discord I feel between my faith and sexuality will be fixed. And, I guess the most beautiful message of the cross and resurrection that await at the end of this week is that for those of us who are mired in sin, there is enough provision for us to benefit from Christ’s work of reconciliation.

So ,step one : become more open to being reconciled to God.

Persist, Persevere: Encouragement from Hebrews 12

Consider him who endured such hostility against himself from sinners, so that you may not grow weary or lose heart. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as children—
‘My child, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
or lose heart when you are punished by him;
for the Lord disciplines those whom he loves,
and chastises every child whom he accepts.’
Endure trials for the sake of discipline. God is treating you as children; for what child is there whom a parent does not discipline? If you do not have that discipline in which all children share, then you are illegitimate and not his children. Moreover, we had human parents to discipline us, and we respected them. Should we not be even more willing to be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share his holiness. Now, discipline always seems painful rather than pleasant at the time, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.

Looking for the small graces,taking pictures of them

My partner often accuses me of looking out for the negative – all the time. Which is of corse not true, otherwise I would live in cardboard box by now. But, he does make a valid point. It is so much easier to try to pick out what is wrong with being gay, how God must hate it, imagining what might go wrong, the bad things people may say, etc.. It’s an easy, lazy way to think and I am guilty of it – although not all the time as my husband tries to make it sound!

In any case, I am putting myself under a challenge to look for small ‘graces’ more and more, and take pictures if possible. Or, at least try to express each grace in pictures.

Today, I will be mindful of these two verses from the book of Psalms:

“The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork.
Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge”

God’s love and grace are all around us, above us, so I am going to concentrate on my intentions on becoming more conscious of the graces and evidence of his love : Even if it is much easier to simply look at the negative things. I also believe this is an important step to finding the grace to reconcile my faith to sexuality – retaining my mind to not simply focus on the negative. Training my mind to find the grace that is all around, the love that God has display all around us. It feels a bit like opting to be delusional or in denial. Perhaps it is precisely opting for a healthy form of denial. Choosing not to be overtaken by the terrible ideas people have about lgbt sexuality but adopting a positive outlook on life in all its aspects.

Yesterday while jogging I spotted grace shining through the trees, blowing gently upon a river, singing through the playful little birds, gently whispering through rustling winter leaves: God’s love on display in small, understated ways. I choose to continue to look out for his grace, and hopefully I will be able to always contradict the negative things that run through my mind and from the lips of others about my sexuality.

practicing grace

There is a lot about this Lenten journey that takes hard work, asking questions, soul searching, striving to be a better person. And while reconciling sexuality to faith is an effort worth making , it should ultimately be the grace that I open myself up to receive that can help me become more ionternally consistent. I need to surrender to grace. But it is such a difficult thing for me to do, being receptive of grace. Letting go, trusting in God’s grace more than my effort goes against my personality. Self willed and independent from the day I was born, I have always been determined to make things happen and this has helped me in the world of work but I just don’t know how to be submissive to a gracious God. How do I begin to have faith in a merciful God when I have never been one to accept pity? Yet, it is precisely grace that I need to actually mkae whatever effort I am making worth it.

It also does not help that I do not trust that God will act as I expect him to, if I surrender to grace I expect that he will do some pretty amazing things. They call it amazing grace right? I want just that. But then, when one reads the history of the church and of our faith, it is replete with men and women losing their heads, being imrpisoned, dying and really suffering. Yet, they trusted in a God of grace? As much as I want to rely on God’s grace to help in reconciling my faith to my sexuality, what if he does not show up? It seems much wiser to take matters into my own hands.

This is the conflict of receiving grace that I struggle with. I realise more that more than the effort of my own hands, more than my own self will, I need to be open to grace.

Yet, how do I become more open to receive grace? To my mind, perhaps it is a matter of practice. WHat do I mean by that? Practicing how to receive grace by not putting too much pressure on myself to try to control and manipulate events. Practicing how to give and receive grace in my human relationships, to become more comfortable with the concept. Choosing to overlook faults and be gracious, to stifle angry response and opting for the more loving response. It could also mean learning how to receive grace when it is offered to me, learning to acknowledge the small graces of life and being grateful for them. Maybe if I surrender myself, cede control and become more grateful for the graces I already have, then perhaps it will become easier to receive the greater grace needed to live fully in my faith and in sexual integrity.

Loving him as I love myself

It dropped into my mind how aggressive the relationship between myself and my partner can be at times. Entertaining this thought, I concluded that perhaps the most conservative, homophobic elements in Christianity and other faith traditions are correct. Perhaps male and female energies where created by God to balance each other out. After all, what accounts for the passion and ego-driven arguments that we have? Surely, it is two male energies clashing?

As much as I am feminine and the gentler one in the couple, it is still difficult to escape my essential male-ness. Our passionate, egotistical arguments bear proof of the agrressive male beneath the feminine man. On a day like today, our clashing male egos left me longing for a tender, feminine, gentle energy to sooth and comfort. And above all, the argument left me beginning to think Pat Robertson and his like may be correct. God dos not intend for men to be together. That is quite worryoing to find one’s mind in such a warped position.

In the aftermath of a bruised ego, I began to ‘realise’ that my husband cannot give the tenderness I need all the time. Sure, he is the most loving being I know, but there are certain things that I imagine that only a woman can provide. That tender, feminine approach?

The problem then is that I do not find women attractive. I am attracted to men and one man in particular. Yet, if my attractions are not part of God’s plan, then I am truly screwed.

What is a gay man of faith supposed to do?

As my senses began to return to me, I began to see that what I have control over is my own behaviour in the relationship. I would need to realise this even if I were in a straight relationship. What I can do is to bring the gentleness and tenderness that I may feel to be lacking at times. Perhaps Christ was right in saying that maybe one need to focus on the log inside his/her own eye before complaining about the speck of perceived unking behaviour in one’s partner’s eye. In Ghandian terms, I guess it means I need to be the change that I want to see.

The bottom line is, I love my husband more than anyone else. And this ought to be enough. Yes, there might be the argument about God making Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve – this idea that if I am not following God’s pattern then I am paying an uneccessary price for not following his plan for sexuality. Firstly, it may simply be that some of the tensions that my husband I have are common to all couples. It is not a punishment or a clash of masculine energies. Just healthy behaviour that may even help our relationship grow.

Secondly, perhaps what matters most is rather coming to an understanding of God’s purpose for us. And it appears to be one of developing a profound love for Him and love for others as ourselves. Nothing more. This perspective, I believe, changes things. It means that I need to seek to give love and bring love and tenderness into my relationship instead of demanding it. It means that I need to tfocus on loving my partner as I love myself and on loving as I want to be loved. Treating him as I want to be treated.

I guess this is just a rambling way to say that perhaps oneway of reconciling my sexuality to my faith within the context of my committed, highly testesterone infused relationshop, is to love my partner as I love myself. Perhaps I need to show him the love and tenderness that I hope for. Perhaps I need to love and treat him as I want him to love and treat me.

Let it be: More on holding thoughts captive

I’m still reflecting on the whole concept of mastery over my thoughts.

More and more, I realise that one of the biggest challenges that I struggle with is dealing with the strong emotions that negative thoughts bring with them.The fear, anxiety, worry, panic, insecurity, anger that come with warped, negative thinking. It’s these powerful emotions that are often very difficult for me to control. It is also particularly difficult to cope with the emotions and fears of not being able to live a spiritually rewarding life, the emotions that come from being rejected as a gay person of faith and the list goes on. I spend a lot of energy debating within my head about some of the hateful thoughts about homosexuality from the church and society, trying to develop a religious life as a gay person and it gets exhausting and discouraging.

But I am learning that perhaps one way of ultimately gaining control over unwanted thoughts is to sometimes let the negative thoughts and emotions be, to simply choose to observe them quietly, without reacting to them. Choosing to keep one’s peace when the urge to react is strong.

I am learning that perhaps patience pays off, if only in terms of greater peace of mind.

I guess the Christian-like thing to say is that it boils down to developing some sort of real trust in a higher power, who I believe to be God. Choosing not to react immediately out of a sense of trust that as much as things look out of control, as much as I feel a need to react immediately or fight my thoughts, I choose to trust that there is a God who has it figured it out. In other words, I do not need to react to my negative thoughts and feelings. I can be patient while negative thinking batters my mind. I can let the powerful feelings and thoughts that are negative run through me while I sit back, feel them. I can allow the strong emotions that accompany negative thinking run their course, but I do not need to react. I trust in someone/something greater. I can be patient, because I choose to trust.

So, I will choose to remind myself to trust, and not react out of fear. I will take comfort in this little proverb that I had almost forgotten about:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Leading captivity captive

I find the phrasing of Ephesians 4 v 10 quite intriguing and inspiring – the assertion that ultimately, in Christ’s ascendance,he basically held captivity itself captive.

I”m trying, this lenten season to be aware of thought patterns, limiting beliefs, behaviours, and so forth, that have held me captive and unable to fully live and love God, myself and others. And I take comfort in this new perspective of seeing ‘captivity’. That is, seeing whatever it is that holds us captive as challenges that can be subject to a higher level of authority. That, the tables can be turned on my inner struggles that oppress and discourage.

My hope for today is to begin to surrender areas where I have felt restricted – such as in my relationships, at times in my career and above all in my ability to reconcile spirituality to sexuality.

I pray today that I, and all in the same position, would discover that the limits that seem to bind and restrict, the thought patterns that hold us captive are subject to a much higher, stronger power. May the love of Christ take our captivities captive and free us to love and live in freedom.

Connecting after years in the closet

There is a pervasive idea in the broader globalised culture that individualism, doing it for yourself, realising your full potential are ends in themselves. That is, that we simply need to become our best selves and that’s it. I’ve taken this idea to a dangerous extreme, before. I’ve made choices, lived life and behaved completely out of what is best for me, putting myself first. This idea is particularly strong in our gay communities.

Yet, I’ve begun to question this reasoning a lot more than before. And this is partly because I found myself in financial trouble two years ago and determined to fight to become free of debt but I’m finding out it is a much deeper, subtle problem. It boils down to my over inflated sense of entitlement, pressure to conform to the ‘I have it all’ model and of showing that I can do it all on my own.

I’m discovering that it is not just about fighting poor financial management skills, but it is about radically changing in the deepest recesses of my mind.

Now, what has this have to do with sexuality? I believe that if poor financial management is a sign of a deeper problem within myself – an embedded selfishness, then it affects my ability to have a healthy sexuality and let alone reconcile it to spirituality. All of my internal struggles are interconnected.

I guess I am hoping to change my psychology and deepest held beliefs. This cannot be an easy task. And, I think one of the best places to start is in changing my thoughts about living life in community. Before and still, I dread the idea of being too sociable, of being friendly. I’ve often found people have taken my friendliness for what it is not – a sign of weakness, perhaps flirtation or just a sign of not being someone to be taken seriously. So, I’ve trained myself to retreat into a fortress of anti-social behaviour, only offering restricted access to a few people.

I guess I have also felt that I could never fully be myself or open up and be myself for fear of rejection. Yet, as I try to heal, I realise that I need to change my received ideas about the benefits of being individualistic, self-centred and self serving. I am realisng that I need other people to make any meaningful change and to make any real bridge between my faith and sexuality. I can’t do it on my own.

It is an exact opposite of the received wisdom of our age and the mainstream gay culture.

As I look and pray for healing, I hope to make a deliberate choice to connect to more people. Being with my husband has in itself begun to heal me in very profound ways. He has helped me to learn how to think beyond myself, to put another person’s needs before my own and to question the idea that I am self sufficient. Maybe the idea of eventually having kids as an avenue to share love could be something in the future.

Whatever the case, I realise that I need to take what I am experiencing with my husband a step further and begin to give more of myself, begin to fight my fears of being myself, fight the urge to be self-seeking and self interested. In other words, I think that I have a task to destroy the very deeply ingrained ideas that I hold about the merits of going through life alone. It is such a costly idea to hold on to and it has made me poorer than I should be on so many levels. I am sure becoming less self absorbed is much harder than it seems, but I’ll try it out this lenten season and see how that works out.

Taking chances

Meeting my husband has been by far one of my biggest, life changing encounters. The risks that I’ve taken – of being rejected, of finding out that I am not happy after all have all proven to be worthwhile.

Well, to be completely honest, it does not always feel like a privilege. He has an innate knowledge about how to push buttons and completely infuriate. But, I would not exchange the experience of knowing him for anything.

The more I spend life with him, the more I realise that taking the risk to love and to live a fulfilled life is one of the few most worthwhile risks to be taken. There is something about tabout a shard life that constantly expands your internal capacity, elevates your mind, pushes you beyond your limits and increases your own awarenesss about yourself that makes a situation of commitment rewarding on so many levels.

At this point all I can say is that taking a chance, taking the risk of commitment has been the most rewarding chances I’ve taken – and I’ve taken many! I am also more convinced that making a bridge between sexuality and faith can indeed – and should – start as an internal journey. But, when it is shared with someone else, it begins to feel more possible to walk the path. Taking the risk to love someone else in the context of a monogomous relationship has been by far the most encouraging context to remain commited, stay awake and push a bit deeper to discover more of self, others and the divine. Both the good points and the really terrible ones that I’ve had with him have only helped to make this bridge between the sacred and the sexual more possible. It is a journey best taken in twos, I think.

Forgiving God?

I’m still allowing the concept of forgiving myself sink in and am going to also try to take it a step further: Maybe I need to – this is going to sound very pretentious, even by mystdandards. i am going to try to — fogive God. Yes, that sounds very delusional and a bit too self important. Yes, I tend to have a much bigger view of myself than is true and I think this really sounds like I am going a bit too far.

I think I need to forgive God? Surely, it needs to be the other way round?

In any case, some of the most bitter resentment that I’ve built up over the years is toward God himself. Firstly, for trapping me in this body with its feelings and urges. Secondly, for not being there when I wanted help and could have done with some supernatural, Hollywood style magic. And above these things, for the hurtful experiences with religious people, for some of the bible verses that are completely unfair, for a vicious world — the list goes on.

While I keep an active religious and spiritual life going, there are parts of me that still feel hurt and unable to fully trust God, thanks to the many painful experiences that have come with being myself, being human and of being part of a world where uncertainty is written into it, thanks to my own stupid choices and behaviour and sometimes the stupidity of others.

I find it difficult to completely reconcile and be at one with God, because of a certain antagonism I hold toward him/her.

Maybe as I try to become more grounded in love, and I try to become more authentic, I need to also find space to forgive God from my anger and bitterness. It doesn’t seem as easy to do as it sounds, but I’ll give it a shot. It may be that I need to be honest that there is a lot about God I do not understand. There is a lot about religion that I find harmful and hateful. There is a lot about the image of God that I find very discouraging. But I also need to make a choice to first disassociate God from things that are either my fault, those of religious people and randomness. To reconclie myself to what I can never fully comprehend. But, above all, to resolve to not to give into anger. And to actively decide to direct love toward God and to those around me. I can only do that if I find space to forgive.